Johnny America


John­ny Amer­i­ca’s Hol­i­day Gift Ideas


Don’t your loved ones de­serve the best, most unique gifts in the world? Well, you no longer have to scour the bazaars of Mar­rakesh to find that spe­cial some­thing — get the in­ter­net to do it for you! We’re get­ting down to the wire, so if you’re still stuck for ideas, here are a few rec­om­mend­ed items:

For the lone­ly women in your life, how about a fourth of a torso?

Noth­ing says love like cud­dling up at night with dis­em­bod­ied parts. And re­view­ers give it five stars! Su­per snuggly!

If you think she’ll look at that and say, “where’s the beef?” maybe she’s the type who’d en­joy this sug­ges­tive iron­ing board. Ooh la la!

“The heat from the iron whips off his loin cloth, leav­ing you with more than an eye­ful of what’s dan­gling un­der­neath.” It doesn’t get bet­ter than that, ladies (and sch­long-lov­ing gentlemen).

And lis­ten, who doesn’t like an­i­mals? Well, now your loved one will be re­mind­ed of you each and every month as he or she de­vours some more (al­li­ga­tor) or less (beef?) ex­ot­ic meats.

For that classy friend or rel­a­tive, this vi­su­al­ly stun­ning and hu­mor­ous art print might be just the thing:

Note that they’ve clas­si­fied this item in “gifts for her,” per­haps be­cause of the pink words.

Dad shouldn’t have to suf­fer from the dread­ed “snow blowback.”

Cozy! Like he has his own place!

For the kids, noth­ing beats ad­min­is­ter­ing a mild elec­tric shock by pre­tend­ing it’s a game…

“Are we be­ing punished?”

“No, we’re hav­ing fun!”

WARNINGS! Keep out of reach of chil­dren.  This prod­uct emits an elec­tric shock.  May in­ter­fere with elec­tri­cal de­vices such as pace­mak­ers.  Not to be used by preg­nant women.  Do not use if you suf­fer from epilep­sy or sim­i­lar re­lat­ed illness.

And don’t for­get a present for Princess:

Did that cov­er every­one on your list? If not, let us know in the com­ments sec­tion, and we’ll pro­vide per­son­al­ized rec­om­men­da­tions for those hard-to-shop-for types.

Filed under Non-Fiction on December 19th, 2005

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[…] may re­mem­ber when we ad­vised you on all the best hol­i­day gifts for your beloved friends and fam­i­ly. But now, with St. Patrick’s […]

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