Johnny America


John­ny Amer­i­ca Rec­om­mends St. Patrick­’s Day Products


You may re­mem­ber when we ad­vised you on all the best hol­i­day gifts for your beloved friends and fam­i­ly. But now, with St. Patrick’s Day right around the cor­ner, you might be won­der­ing: Hey! What are the best prod­ucts out there through which I can show my Irish pride?

Pleased to oblige.

Things for the Home

For your, um… St. Patrick’s Day tree, a love­ly ornament:

Long Live the Irish! Ornament

And hey, it says 2004 on it! Two years ago! It’s like you’re cel­e­brat­ing in the past.

Ah, and here’s that tree we were talk­ing about:

St. Patrick­’s Day Dec­o­rat­ing Set

What a fes­tive col­lec­tion of left­over crap! You’ve got that odd tree, a string of green lights, a minia­ture lep­rechaun with — what is that, a man­dolin? — a wee sham­rock flag, and a suc­tion cup sham­rock on a spring. It’s so good of them to col­lect these items for you; oth­er­wise, you’d have to buy them all sep­a­rate­ly, and who has time for that?

I know what you’re think­ing: what could be bet­ter than drink­ing green beer? Re­mem­ber that spe­cial feel­ing all year round with this clas­sic poster of a pint of green beer.

St. Patrick­’s Day, Green Beer

Mmm… does­n’t that look delicious?

Drink out of this guy’s head, and I promise you night­mares un­til next St. Patrick’s Day:

Google Eye St Pat Mug

Per­haps you might be say­ing, “you know, I’m not sure what I’m more proud of: be­ing Irish, or be­ing gay. Al­so: I need a place to store things.” Prob­lem solved!

Gay Irish St Patrick­’s Day Rain­bow Tile Box

Keep at least ten of these in there:

St Patrick’s Con­dom Pop

Un­less you’re a les­bian. I’d hate to leave out the les­bians, so…um… green den­tal dam?

Heavy Gauge Green Mint-Fla­vored Den­tal Dam

I ac­tu­al­ly find this one a lit­tle de­press­ing. I mean, come on, he’s nev­er go­ing to get to that god­damned pot of gold.

St. Patrick’s Day Pot of Gold Waterglobe

Things to Wear

“Hey Law­ton!” you might be think­ing, “sit­ting around the house on St. Patrick’s Day is for old ladies and wee ba­bies. I need some way to show my Irish pride out-and-about!”

You got it:

Shut up and kiss me, you Irish fool!

Invit­ing strangers to kiss you via t‑shirt is a risky propo­si­tion at best. The on­ly rea­son to buy this one is so you can put it your friend af­ter he’s had 10 green beers.

The per­son with those green lips is no one I want to kiss in any situation.

I wouldn’t even want to know how many green beers it would take to get some­one in­to this lit­tle number:

St. Patrick­’s Day Vest

Some­how the fifty cents apiece they’re ask­ing for these still seems like too much.

Oh grand­pa, you so crazy!

Mi­ni St. Patrick­’s Day Lep­rechaun Hat

Hey! Do you want a crap­py-look­ing apron you can on­ly wear one day a year? Hap­py to oblige:

St. Patrick­’s Day — Adult-Child Hand-Paint­ed Apron Set

And guess what? There are match­ing placemats.


“Hmm.… all that stuff is great, but is there some way I can look like more of a jack­ass this St. Patrick­’s Day?”

Is there ever!

Adult St. Patrick­’s Day Lep­rechaun Hat

Green Wig

Irish Willie’s St. Patrick­’s Hat/Shirt Com­bo

St. Patrick­’s Beer Mug Hat

“But wait,” you’re like­ly say­ing, “how is my dog sup­posed to cel­e­brate this oc­ca­sion? He can on­ly drink one beer, and then he pass­es out!”

St. Patrick­’s Day Dog Costume

St Patrick­’s Day Yo­gurt Cov­ered La­dy Paws Gourmet Dog Treat — 2 pack

That ought to get Rex or Mitzi in­to just the right mood for some hol­i­day revelry.

We’re al­ways glad to sug­gest prod­ucts to our read­ers, even for the most mi­nor of hol­i­days. We firm­ly be­lieve that the cor­rect cel­e­bra­to­ry aids can in­crease en­joy­ment ten­fold. So have fun, and be care­ful out there.

Filed under Non-Fiction on March 11th, 2006

Care to Share?

Reader Comments

Jum wrote:

What a Saucy Se­lec­tion of Celtic Swag! Thanks to you, I’ve al­ready fin­ished my St. Patrick­’s day shopping!
Sor­ry you omit­ted this item
It needs on­ly a mod­el. what do you say?

Emily wrote:

I’m al­so sor­ry I omit­ted that item. I es­pe­cial­ly like their fash­ion ad­vice: “Pair Irish thong with Irish camisole for the full ef­fect. Every gal needs a thong.”

Consider posting a note of comment on this item:


Previous Post


Next Post


Join our Irregular Mailing List

For very occasional ramblings, word about new print ephemera, and of course exciting investment opportunities.