Johnny America


Ques­tions Writ­ers of the S.A.T. Might Ask Them­selves While Pon­der­ing the 2004 Acad­e­my Awards Act­ing Nominees


Best Ac­tor In a Sup­port­ing Role

If Jamie Foxx (Col­lat­er­al) gave a bet­ter per­for­mance than Alan Al­da (The Avi­a­tor), Mor­gan Free­man (Mil­lion Dol­lar Ba­by) out-act­ed Thomas Haden Church (Side­ways), and Clive Owen (Clos­er) was su­pe­ri­or Thomas Haden Church but not as good as Jamie Foxx, who de­serves the Os­car more: Alan Al­da, Jamie Foxx, or Mor­gan Freeman?

  1. Alan Al­da
  2. Jamie Foxx
  3. Mor­gan Freeman
  4. There is not enough in­for­ma­tion to sup­port a conclusion.

Best Ac­tress In a Sup­port­ing Role

It was a lit­tle past mid­night when Cate Blanchett (The Avi­a­tor) burst in­to the ‘Cham­pagne Room’ where Lau­ra Lin­ney (Kin­sey) and Vir­ginia Mad­sen (Side­ways) were stuff­ing note af­ter note in­to Na­tal­ie Port­man’s (Clos­er) se­quined g‑string. So­phie Oken­o­do (Ho­tel Rwan­da) stepped in­to the crim­son-lit sin-den a mo­ment af­ter Cate. So­phie glanced at pile of bills on the ta­ble then locked eyes with Cate, who ur­gent­ly stam­mered, “my God, woman.” All the ac­tress are “in character”.

The nar­ra­tor would most like­ly de­scribe Ms. Blanchet­t’s ut­ter­ance dur­ing the in­ci­dent as:

  1. Adept­ly “in character”
  2. “Out of character”
  3. More con­fused than profound
  4. Both ra­tio­nal and thought-provoking

Best Ac­tor In a Lead­ing Role

Don Chea­dle (Ho­tel Rwan­da) and John­ny Depp (Find­ing Nev­er­land) are in an East­bound train that is eighty miles West of Leonar­do Di­Caprio (The Avi­a­tor), who is chained to the tracks. Their train is trav­el­ing six­ty miles an hour. Clint East­wood (Mil­lion Dol­lar Ba­by) is serv­ing as nav­i­ga­tor to Jamie Foxx (Ray), who is pi­lot­ing a tricked-out Hum­mer H2. They are ten miles from Mr. Di­caprio and have a the­o­ret­i­cal speed of over 100 miles per hour. All ac­tors are “in char­ac­ter.” Which of the fol­low­ing is most true?

  1. Chea­dle and Depp will reach Di­Capri­o’s lo­ca­tion in less than 1 hour and 20 minutes
  2. Chea­dle and Depp will cer­tain­ly beat East­wood and Foxx to DiCaprio
  3. East­wood and Foxx would be “more fun”
  4. Chea­dle and Depp will reach Di­Capri­o’s lo­ca­tion in ex­act­ly 1 hour and 20 minutes

Best Ac­tress In a Lead­ing Role

As­sume the tal­ent of an ac­tress can be de­ter­mined by weight­ing the char­ac­ters in their names ac­cord­ing to a few sim­ple rules. If each con­so­nant in an ac­tress’s name re­ceives 1 point, each vow­el 2 points (3 for ‘y’), each dis­tinct word in their name car­ries a 5 point penal­ty, and each dou­ble-con­so­nant earns 2 bonus points, which of the fol­low­ing state­ments is true:

  1. An­nette Ben­ing (Be­ing Ju­lia) is ex­act­ly as good and ac­tress as Imel­da Staunton (Ve­ra Drake)
  2. Catali­na Sandi­no Moreno (Maria Full of Grace) is not the best ac­tress of 2004
  3. Catali­na Sandi­no Moreno’s per­for­mance was ex­act­ly as good as the summed ef­forts of Hi­lary Swank (Mil­lion Dol­lar Ba­by) and Imel­da Staunton
  4. Kate Winslet (Eter­nal Sun­shine of the Spot­less Mind) is more than 13 as good An­nette Bening

Filed under Non-Fiction on February 21st, 2005

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