I have heard that you’re planning on marrying your long-time boyfriend. I’m glad you are happy, if in fact you are, but I’m feeling a little guilty. See, I never told you that I know that five years ago he cheated on you with the girl who was my roommate at the time. It was while you were in Barcelona studying jewelry design. I’ve always considered us friends but this isn’t the sort of thing that comes up in conversation, plus I assumed you would eventually break up. Maybe the two of you had an understanding while you were overseas, or maybe you already know and have forgiven him. I’m going to continue to hold my silence. Good luck on your marriage.
Dear John Corona,
Get over it, already. Really, everyone but you can recognize that your behavior is absurd. We have not spoken to each other in almost two years. Yet you’re still threatening bodily harm to my boyfriend? It’s unacceptable.
Remember last week at the Mercury Lounge? You went to the bathroom and asked me to hold your drink. It took you so long to get back that I drank it. Then when you came back I told you that you put it down somewhere. You believed me. I owe you half of a grayhound.
Maybe you’re wondering why I no longer purchase sandwiches at your lunch truck. I used to do so pretty frequently, but you started to seem sleazy to me. For instance the way you expressed disappointment that I dyed my hair. I was/am not sure you were really hitting on me, but then when you told me how lonely it was to wake up alone in the morning, I figured that was close enough. Also, it takes you a really long time to make a sandwich.
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