Johnny America


Two Let­ters


Dear Er­ic Lawton,

First, I would like to tell you that I ap­plaud your re­cent ef­forts to im­prove your­self and your life. You have been shop­ping for a new house, and have signed up for 7‑day VIP tri­al mem­ber­ships to Gold’s Gym more than once. Most re­cent­ly, you have joined and — guess what! — they have al­ready lo­cat­ed sev­er­al match­es for you.

I am less cer­tain that your re­cent Red­box rentals, Game of Death, Un­stop­pable, and S.W.A.T. Fire­fight are like­ly to im­prove your life in any ap­pre­cia­ble way. You might find your time is bet­ter spent watch­ing ro­man­tic come­dies to study Hugh Grant’s un­matched abil­i­ty to charm the ladies.

But be­fore any of that, I would sug­gest that you learn your own email ad­dress. Per­haps you are sit­ting at home right now won­der­ing why Leanne of Per­ry hasn’t re­spond­ed to your “wink” yet. Well, you know what? She has. But you will nev­er know about it, be­cause all your email comes to me.

If you hap­pen to know Em­ma Law­ton of Welling­ton, New Zealand or Ellen Law­ton, who re­cent­ly stayed at the Dou­ble­tree Suites in Ben­tonville, Arkansas, please give them the same message.

Yours in elawtonness,

Emi­ly Lawton

Dear State of Alaska,

What’s up with all your dry cities? What ex­act­ly do you ex­pect your cit­i­zens to do dur­ing the long, cold win­ter months? I’ve heard peo­ple are drink­ing mouth­wash up there. Please reconsider.

Much love,

Emi­ly Lawton

Filed under Letters on May 14th, 2011

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