by Johnny AMERICA

• Some afi­ciona­dos of hard core sex are elit­ist, fo­cus­ing on horse-play, dwarf-on-dwarf, goth­ic dwarf, or any of myr­i­ad sub-gen­res of kink; oth­ers more catholic in their tastes search the web for, “hard core sex of all kinds,” and through the strange al­go­rithms of Ya­hoo! find John­ny Amer­i­ca, which must sure­ly leave them dis­ap­point­ed and flaccid.
• The query, “Can your or­der Burg­er King’s buf­fa­lo sauce for your own per­son­al use?” makes us won­der how many al­ter­nate us­es the tangy sauce might serve; per­haps as a veg­e­tar­i­an al­ter­na­tive to sheep’s blood, or as the se­cret in­gre­di­ent in a Mar­gari­ta recipe.
• We sus­pect that “di­et­ing with Je­sus” would be dif­fi­cult: you’d get to­geth­er to lend each oth­er moral sup­port, dis­cussing the chal­lenges of sus­tained weight loss and what­not, all the while know­ing that with a wave of his hand J.C. could trans­mute your pa­thet­ic grilled salmon and baked pi­ta slices in­to de­li­cious fish and chips; that with a shake of his lux­u­ri­ous hair he could turn your chem­i­cal-tast­ing Crys­tal Lite in­to de­li­cious Caber­net Sauvignon.

Filed under How You Might've Found Johnny America on April 29th, 2011

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