Johnny America


Sassy T.‘s Hy­giene Corner


Pref­ace by Jay Holley

In my cir­cle of ac­quain­tances there are two mild­ly neu­rot­ic males named Trevor. The youngest one, who is from Mass­a­chu­setts, is re­ferred to as ‘Trevor Trevor’ when shit is be­ing talked be­hind his back. Trevor Trevor can do a stag­ger­ing num­ber of one-armed pull ups, which I find im­pres­sive. The old­er Trevor is a smug but lik­able se­cu­ri­ty guard who loves to wa­ter ski. Look­ing at his teeth is like star­ring in­to the beam of a Mag Light from six inch­es away. This old­er Trevor came to be known as ‘Sassy Trevor’ be­cause of his saunter and flir­ta­tious man­ner. Lat­er, Sassy Trevor’s nick­name was short­ened to ‘Sassy T.’ to the cha­grin of his fi­ancée Jill, who feels mild­ly em­bar­rassed about her man’s ef­fem­i­nate ten­den­cies. Sassy T. very ob­vi­ous­ly whitens his teeth. This was an ac­cept­ed if un­ver­i­fied truth among his ac­quain­tances, as we all no­ticed his pearls grad­u­al­ly change from a dis­gust­ing yel­low to a blind­ing white. For over a year, like Pe­ter de­nied Je­sus, Sassy T. de­nied his re­la­tion­ship with bleach­ing gel. Two weeks ago Sassy T. was hav­ing a hor­ri­ble day with tech­nol­o­gy, and I was his on­ly ac­quain­tance in a po­si­tion to help. Hard dri­ves were crash­ing, soft­ware alerts po­lite­ly al­lud­ed to to­tal melt­down and an ur­gent need for sys­tem re­in­stall. Sassy T. need­ed a boot­leg copy of Win­dows XP, fast. This ar­ti­cle rep­re­sents Trevor’s break­ing point; the mo­ment when he ad­mit­ted his ob­ses­sion with hy­giene and agreed to write an es­say about his tooth whiten­ing in ex­change for an il­le­gal op­er­at­ing sys­tem in­stall disc.

To­day’s Top­ic: The Tooth Whiten­ing Experience

Is be­ing suc­cess­ful eas­i­er with a bright white smile? Well, if you be­lieve it is, here’s a quick so­lu­tion to a seem­ing­ly dif­fi­cult prob­lem. Crest prod­ucts have come along way in the past five years. They now pro­duce an item called “Night Ef­fects”, cur­rent­ly sell­ing for $12.99. It’s a steal for a brighter fu­ture stem­ming from a brighter smile. Like my­self, you might think, I have not the time or pa­tience for that kind of non­sense. But I as­sure you the ten min­utes in­vest­ed in a day is worth your time.Besides, your hy­giene im­proves along the way!


You might ask, “Do I have to do this every day and over the weekends?”

The an­swer is a sim­ple: “No you do not.”

If one can con­vince them­selves to fol­low the pro­ce­dure and make it habit Mon­day through Fri­day, the week­end is free! By whiten­ing five days out of the week, you have earned two days off. Not on­ly that, but you’ve prob­a­bly brushed and flossed more in those five days than you did be­fore in two weeks.

And I leave you with this…The Feel­ing of Freshness:

Up­on leav­ing the house of a morn­ing, you feel as if you’ve just come from the den­tist’s chair, but with­out the pain and bloody gums. Your teeth are mirac­u­lous­ly be­com­ing whiter day by day and they are now stay­ing free of small food par­ti­cles and no longer have that mu­cus film dan­gling up­on them. With just two weeks of ded­i­ca­tion, you can en­joy the plea­sures of a brighter, whiter smile! More than two weeks is not nec­es­sary, but re-whiten­ing every six months is suggested.

Filed under Non-Fiction on January 14th, 2005

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Reader Comments

Jay wrote:

Thanks for writ­ing this, Sassy T.

Anonymous wrote:

lol, thanx for tht, u helped me waste 5 mins of my so­ci­ol­o­gy les­son, and taught me the es­sen­tial knowl­edge of per­son­al hygiene.

Anonymous wrote:

thanx for help­ing me waste 5mins of my so­ci­ol­o­gy les­son, teach­ing me the im­por­tance of self hygiene

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