Hello, Kind Readers. Johnny America is a little magazine of fiction, humor, and other miscellany published sporadically by the Moon Rabbit Drinking Club & Benevolence Society. We're on temporary hiatus as we get our web site back in order, which we're working on currently (Summer 2018) and aim to get sorted by Halloween. We apologize for the inconvenience but we are extremely lazy and completely unpaid, so our sloth is likely no surprise. Please rest assured that our fifteen-ish years of archives will be returning, as well as new stories to amuse or bemuse you. We will start working on our next print issue once we get crackin' on the web again. We hope you are all doing well and drinking plenty of vinho verde; it's hot out there, at least in Kansas. – J.A.

A Step-By-Step Guide to Detailing with the Death of a Dog

February 24th, 2017 by Michael DONOGHUE

  1. Approach the door, holding the empty collar with the dog tags that match the address in your right hand.
  2. Ring the doorbell with your left hand.
  3. If a small child answers, ask to speak to their parents.
  4. Truthfully tell the owners that you found their dog on the road.
  5. Lie and say she had already been hit when you found her.
  6. Mutter something about how the city has leash laws for a reason, but then give a sympathetic shrug to take some sting from the implied blame.
  7. Lie further, and say when you encountered their dog, she was already dead.
  8. Build on that falsehood and assert, “it looked like it all happened, really, really quick.”
  9. Now, tell them the Big Truth. Explain how you’re a dog lover as well. And how you know – only too well – that terrible aching-emptiness of losing your dog.
  10. Tell a blended truth-untruth, and say that, “you’re very sorry for their loss.”
  11. Hand them the collar.
  12. Leave.
  13. Go to a pet store.
  14. Purchase a new collar.
  15. Now, go home and fill that aching-emptiness with your newfound friend.