Short Interview with a Laconic Author

Interviewer: Thank you for agreeing to this. I know you give few interviews.
Author: Seldom asked to.
Interviewer: Let’s get right into it, then. Your work has been variously described as obscure and difficult, also superficial, amateurish, dilettantish, consoling, inspired, profound, provocative, humorless, and witty. How would you describe your work?
Author: Widely ignored.
Interviewer: That’s it? Two words?
Author: Yes. That’s one word.
Interviewer: I see this is going to be a challenge. Very well. Your work has been called both modern and post-modern. How do you classify what you write?
Author: Contemporary American literature.
Interviewer: Very amusing. So, what do you most enjoy writing on?
Author: An old door held up by a couple of filing cabinets.
Interviewer: I meant computer or ball point, lined paper or plain, pencil and legal pad.
Author: Fountain pen.
Interviewer: Really?
Author: My chief link with tradition.
Interviewer: Okay. This really is going to be difficult.… Your only novel won a prize. Why hasn’t there been a second?
Author: Maybe there is.
Interviewer: Oh? Unfinished or unpublished?
Author: Unwritten.
Interviewer: I was warned you’re difficult. Okay, let me check my notes.… It says here that you’ve also won a teaching prize? Yes? What would you say is the most important quality in a teacher?
Author: Remembering.
Interviewer: Remembering? Remembering what? Students’ names? Lecture notes?
Author: That to teach is a transitive verb.
Interviewer: You teach and you write. Do you do the one to support the other?
Author: I need both.
Interviewer: How so?
Author: Writing’s lonesome; teaching’s an ideal form of social life.
Interviewer: Social life?
Author: Sophomores don’t age; they’re always nineteen. And they have to listen.
Interviewer: So, you like young people?
Author: I’m comfortable with them.
Interviewer: With post-adolescents?
Author: I’m post-adolescent.
Interviewer: I was told — and it certainly seems true — you’re given to false modesty.
Author: That’s a condition to which I aspire.
Interviewer: Clever and evasive, confirming what you deny. Well then, have you got any advice for aspiring young writers?
Author: I do.
Interviewer: And that is?
Author: Keep your bum on the desk chair.
Interviewer: Okay. I’m going to give up. Just one more question before I do. You’re prolific.
Author: Prolific? For me, writing is mostly not writing.
Interviewer: Yet you keep writing. Is that because you love it?
Author: There’s nothing I love more than writing — and nothing I won’t do to avoid it.
Interviewer: For example?
Author: This interview.
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