by Johnny AMERICA

• Why 49 searchers — a full three per­cent of De­cem­ber’s Google traf­fic — found our site look­ing for the word “butt,” we do not know. Here at John­ny Amer­i­ca Head­quar­ters we like butts; we find them al­lur­ing and com­fort­ing like Camp­bel­l’s Toma­to Soup and en­joy rest­ing our heads on oth­ers’ butts while watch­ing video rentals, eat­ing pop­corn dust­ed with salt and pep­per, and sip­ping a 2003 Cal­i­for­nia Red Zin­fan­del that’s an out­stand­ing val­ue at twelve dol­lars and goes sur­pris­ing­ly well with well-but­tered corn. We wish there were more butts in the world.
• One No­vem­ber searcher came to us from Ya­hoo! look­ing for “chom­sky hal­loween cos­tume.” We’re re­al­ly in­spired by their ad­vance plan­ning. Hal­loween 2007 is still ten months away and they’re al­ready re­searched ex­act­ly which fuzzy grand­pa sweater will help them best im­per­son­ate the Chom­ski­na­tor. Who­ev­er you are, you are wonderful.
• We won­der about the query for, “sex pic­ture of amer­i­ca.” Was the searcher ex­pect­ing to find im­ages of con­ti­nen­tal canoodling, with North Amer­i­ca and it rather sug­ges­tive Florid­i­an Penin­su­la some­how grop­ing South Amer­i­ca via rapid tec­ton­ic shifts? We hope there were hop­ing for some­thing along those lines and not ho-hum skin pics.
• We felt who­ev­er asked the ques­tion, “how zom­bies came to earth?” de­served an an­swer, so we asked J.A. Handy­man Bran­don Crain’s eight-year-old niece who was watch­ing An­i­mal Plan­et in the liv­ing room what her thoughts on zom­bie ori­gins were. “God?” she ques­tioned-spec­u­lat­ed. Clear­ly she’s com­plete­ly irrational.

Filed under How You Might've Found Johnny America on December 31st, 2006

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