by Johnny AMERICA

• A full 16.1 per­cent of Au­gust’s vis­i­tors found our site through our Re­view of the Sui­cide Girls Bur­lesque Show — our most Google-weight­ed sto­ry since Armin Mei­wes, the Ger­man Can­ni­bal. The whole­some Aunt Jemi­ma, by com­par­i­son, at­tract­ed on­ly 0.4 per­cent of vis­i­tors re­ferred by search en­gines. Tru­ly, she is­n’t as cute as a troupe of in­die girls pranc­ing a stage in their un­der­wear, but she has heart.
• Two vis­i­tors found us search­ing for “dale earn­hardt col­lectible kfc bucket.”
• Did the in­di­vid­ual hunt­ing for “robin air­planes” have hi­jack­ing in mind, we won­der, or is “robin air­planes” an ob­scure mu­si­cian? Both al­ter­na­tives are interesting.
• We wish we knew what the “cow and buf­fa­lo fun­ny say­ing” was — we adore cows, like buf­faloes more than av­er­age, and love fun­ny sayings.
• Who­ev­er looked for “mon­i­ca bel­luc­ci fuck­ing” needs to re­strain them­selves. Search for “rachel leight cook go­ing down,” “moth­er there­sa gang­bang,” but leave Bel­luc­ci out of it. She’s so fetch­ing, our one mod­ern ac­tress with clas­sic film looks, that her name should not be soiled.
• Why any­one would look for “joke about a man in a short sleeve shirt“is be­yond our reck­on­ing. There are far more-in­ter­est­ing search­es to be had: “mouse eat­ing cheese,” “han­ky panky tele­phone wind ups,” “tran­sex­u­al dat­ing ab­erdeen,” and “rais­ing chick­ens for slaugh­ter” to name a few. Wast­ing your days search­ing for jokes about short sleeves seems point­less when you con­sid­er the possibilities.

Filed under How You Might've Found Johnny America on September 1st, 2004

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