Johnny America

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Illustration of a cartoonish snake coming out of a toilet.

Our ten-year-old saw video clips about snakes in Guam com­ing up through toi­lets, and now he would rather soil his pants than en­ter the bathroom.

We point out that Guam is two thou­sand miles away. He just says, “Snakes are everywhere.”

Of course, we im­me­di­ate­ly in­stall very strict parental con­trols on the home net­work, but once he leaves the house, we can­not shield him from god knows what else is out there, so we make him an ap­point­ment at the Youth Coun­sel­ing Cen­ter, and in the mean­time we have pro­vid­ed adult di­a­pers (size Small), the cost to be de­duct­ed from his allowance.

Just to see what we’re up against, I lo­cate the videos on­line and watch them all: nasty-look­ing ser­pents lung­ing at the cam­era; grainy, sub­ti­tled news clips show­ing huge snakes coiled in­side toi­let bowls and sinks or slith­er­ing across the floor; in­co­her­ent hos­pi­tal in­ter­views with victims.

It’s ridicu­lous, ex­ag­ger­at­ed sen­sa­tion­al­ism, ma­li­cious­ly de­signed to spread fear, and I scoff.

Lat­er, I find my­self stand­ing out­side the bath­room, un­will­ing to open the door.

Filed under Fiction on February 13th, 2026

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Reader Comments

S. N. wrote:

Not me try­ing to con­vince my daugh­ter that di­nosaurs WON’T ACTUALLY peer in­to the bath­room win­dow while she pot­ties, on­ly to be afraid my­self af­ter the thought has been plant­ed, de­spite a nag­ging sus­pi­cion that Sharp­tooth has been dead since the late 80s. This was West!

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