by Johnny AMERICA

This will be the last in­stall­ment of our reg­u­lar-ish bit How You Might’ve Found John­ny Amer­i­ca. We thank the hun­dreds of thou­sands of con­fused vis­i­tors who’ve ac­ci­den­tal­ly stum­bled up­on J. A. over the years and lin­gered for a minute or two. A small hand­ful have even be­come reg­u­lar read­ers, so thank you Al­taVista, AskJeeves, and oth­er search en­gines past, present, and fu­ture for send­ing new read­ers our way on wild web goose chas­es— our site is al­most cer­tain­ly not what they were look­ing for, but we’re sure glad they stopped by.

• We feel that the per­son who asked Google, “what does my han­dle­bar mus­tache say about me?” al­ready knows they an­swer: that they can’t pull off the hir­sute won­der that is the han­dle­bar; if you have to ask a search en­gine what oth­ers think of your mus­tache, di­al it back to a nat­ur­al style or per­haps a sim­ple “wal­rus” ’stache — you’re not ready for the ’bar.
• We’d like to ask that who­ev­er searched for “lamb + sala­mi, nude,” please keep their ac­tiv­i­ties le­gal and classy.
• We won­der what sort of im­prove­ments the searcher who asked Bing “how to en­hance my wife in the kitchen” had in mind. Im­prov­ing her cook­ing skills? Well, an af­ter­noon knife skills class or a jar of monosodi­um glu­ta­mate might do the trick. En­hanc­ing the at­ti­tude of a woman bushed from a day at the of­fice and a hus­band who sub­scribes to out­mod­ed gen­der norms about who cooks? Well, it de­pends — a di­vorce might be the best so­lu­tion, but a lit­tle co­caine could do the trick too.
• Our sus­pi­cion is that the vis­i­tor look­ing for “acute butt” was not a re­searcher look­ing for the lat­est schol­ar­ly works on Acute Butt Syn­drome, but rather just a la­dy who likes at­trac­tive der­ri­eres. Butt who knows?
• “Lep­rechaun literot­i­ca” is not a genre we nor­mal­ly pub­lish, or that we’d pre­vi­ous­ly heard of be­fore read­ing this search query, but we’re glad to know there’s a mar­ket and would be hap­py to read any sub­mis­sions au­thors would care to share.

Filed under How You Might've Found Johnny America on April 23rd, 2021

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