How You Might’ve Found Johnny America #55: 2020
This will be the last installment of our regular-ish bit How You Might’ve Found Johnny America. We thank the hundreds of thousands of confused visitors who’ve accidentally stumbled upon J. A. over the years and lingered for a minute or two. A small handful have even become regular readers, so thank you AltaVista, AskJeeves, and other search engines past, present, and future for sending new readers our way on wild web goose chases— our site is almost certainly not what they were looking for, but we’re sure glad they stopped by.
- We feel that the person who asked Google, “what does my handlebar mustache say about me?” already knows they answer: that they can’t pull off the hirsute wonder that is the handlebar; if you have to ask a search engine what others think of your mustache, dial it back to a natural style or perhaps a simple “walrus” ’stache — you’re not ready for the ’bar.
- We’d like to ask that whoever searched for “lamb + salami, nude,” please keep their activities legal and classy.
- We wonder what sort of improvements the searcher who asked Bing “how to enhance my wife in the kitchen” had in mind. Improving her cooking skills? Well, an afternoon knife skills class or a jar of monosodium glutamate might do the trick. Enhancing the attitude of a woman bushed from a day at the office and a husband who subscribes to outmoded gender norms about who cooks? Well, it depends — a divorce might be the best solution, but a little cocaine could do the trick too.
- Our suspicion is that the visitor looking for “acute butt” was not a researcher looking for the latest scholarly works on Acute Butt Syndrome, but rather just a lady who likes attractive derrieres. Butt who knows?
- “Leprechaun literotica” is not a genre we normally publish, or that we’d previously heard of before reading this search query, but we’re glad to know there’s a market and would be happy to read any submissions authors would care to share.
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