Johnny America


Lunch­ables Re­viewed: Ex­tra Cheesy Pizza


Three miniature pizza snacks

It had been a shit­ty morn­ing. The po­lice had showed up just as I got a rust­ed Buick Le Sabre with in­de­ter­mi­nate “clunk­ing” nois­es up on the lift; they were in­ves­ti­gat­ing a com­plaint from a con­cerned neigh­bor that the stack of used tires be­hind our build­ing was be­com­ing a breed­ing ground for mos­qui­toes. Of course it was: I was metic­u­lous­ly breed­ing them (but I couldn’t tell them of my ne­far­i­ous scheme). The uni­forms stood cluck­ing their tongues as they watched me shake out the tires and grunt them in­side. I would get my re­venge, I vowed. As I lugged the tires, my thoughts turned to the Lunch­ables “Ex­tra Cheesy Piz­za” await­ing its ex­e­cu­tion af­ter my toil. I imag­ined the yel­low snack pack con­tem­plat­ing the agony it would un­der­go as my next lunchtime ca­su­al­ty, pray­ing to the false re­frig­er­a­tor gods to save its va­pid soul. 

I poured a Ther­mos-top of cof­fee and ripped open the plas­tic film con­ceal­ing what would prove it­self to be a Lunch­able so re­volt­ing that its hor­ror could in­tim­i­date the dark lord him­self. Three diminu­tive discs serve as stand-ins for piz­za crust; I licked one of the wafers and its sand­pa­per tex­ture scratched my forked tongue. I grew ex­cit­ed. Squeez­ing a dol­lop of blood-like goo from the in­clud­ed pack­et and sprin­kling the flac­cid cheese mix­ture on­to the “crusts,” I shiv­ered in an­tic­i­pa­tion of the abom­i­na­tion about to cross my lips. I wept in hor­ror. To chomp down on one of these piz­za snacks is to be trans­port­ed through the bile and bow­els of a great beast de­ter­mined to sub­vert all that is de­li­cious and whole­some. This is not piz­za, this is not food: this “Ex­tra Cheesy Piz­za” is a tes­ta­ment to mankind’s abil­i­ty to de­ny the Good in the name of prof­it. Bra­vo, food man­glers. High­ly recommended.

Filed under A Satanic Mechanic Reviews Lunchables on September 25th, 2020

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