Lunchables Reviewed: Extra Cheesy Pizza
It had been a shitty morning. The police had showed up just as I got a rusted Buick Le Sabre with indeterminate “clunking” noises up on the lift; they were investigating a complaint from a concerned neighbor that the stack of used tires behind our building was becoming a breeding ground for mosquitoes. Of course it was: I was meticulously breeding them (but I couldn’t tell them of my nefarious scheme). The uniforms stood clucking their tongues as they watched me shake out the tires and grunt them inside. I would get my revenge, I vowed. As I lugged the tires, my thoughts turned to the Lunchables “Extra Cheesy Pizza” awaiting its execution after my toil. I imagined the yellow snack pack contemplating the agony it would undergo as my next lunchtime casualty, praying to the false refrigerator gods to save its vapid soul.
I poured a Thermos-top of coffee and ripped open the plastic film concealing what would prove itself to be a Lunchable so revolting that its horror could intimidate the dark lord himself. Three diminutive discs serve as stand-ins for pizza crust; I licked one of the wafers and its sandpaper texture scratched my forked tongue. I grew excited. Squeezing a dollop of blood-like goo from the included packet and sprinkling the flaccid cheese mixture onto the “crusts,” I shivered in anticipation of the abomination about to cross my lips. I wept in horror. To chomp down on one of these pizza snacks is to be transported through the bile and bowels of a great beast determined to subvert all that is delicious and wholesome. This is not pizza, this is not food: this “Extra Cheesy Pizza” is a testament to mankind’s ability to deny the Good in the name of profit. Bravo, food manglers. Highly recommended.
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