by Johnny AMERICA

Ran­dom vis­i­tors to John­ny Amer­i­ca grow scarcer by the sea­son, as Google and Duck­Duck­Go hone their al­go­rithms to send vis­i­tors to “le­git­i­mate” sites in­stead of er­ro­neous­ly send­ing search­ing cast­aways to our ob­scure is­land on the world wide web. Not so long ago we could count on search en­gines to send thou­sands of in­for­ma­tion-seek­ers to our mot­ley boun­ty of Archives each week, but these days most of our vis­i­tors ap­pear to be ded­i­cat­ed read­ers of very short fic­tion and “sex ghost” lit­er­ary erot­i­ca, the lat­ter rep­re­sent­ing a siz­able por­tion of our au­di­ence for rea­sons still mys­te­ri­ous to the J. A. ed­i­to­r­i­al staff.

• Two searchers came look­ing for “free wine scams,” and if they find any suc­cess­ful ones we’d ask them to share. Just the oth­er Wednes­day I found my­self squeez­ing the last drops of “Nighthawk Red” from a plas­tic ud­der freed from its card­board “Bo­ta Box” cof­fin, mus­ing­ly wish­ing I could im­prove my caber­net grift­ing game.
• “What the fuck, it’s a li­brary dogg,” is a puz­zling query to pose to Bing, but wouldn’t be a ter­ri­ble first line in a vol­ume of Young Adult fiction.
• Along sim­i­lar lines, “where do I get the co­caine, I need the co­caine,” seems un­like­ly to re­sult in a mean­ing­ful re­sponse from the ar­ti­fi­cial in­tel­li­gence of a search en­gine, but pre­sum­ably the per­son ask­ing was not of the clear­est mind. If you find out, let us ad­vise that hard drugs af­ter thir­ty are rarely the best for your com­plex­ion or ever-mount­ing ex­is­ten­tial anx­i­ety, and what’s the point of that Clin­ique mois­tur­iz­ing lo­tion if you’re just go­ing to dry out your beau­ti­ful skin?

Filed under How You Might've Found Johnny America on November 22nd, 2019

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