How You Might’ve Found Johnny America #54: Fall, 2019
Random visitors to Johnny America grow scarcer by the season, as Google and DuckDuckGo hone their algorithms to send visitors to “legitimate” sites instead of erroneously sending searching castaways to our obscure island on the world wide web. Not so long ago we could count on search engines to send thousands of information-seekers to our motley bounty of Archives each week, but these days most of our visitors appear to be dedicated readers of very short fiction and “sex ghost” literary erotica, the latter representing a sizable portion of our audience for reasons still mysterious to the J. A. editorial staff.
- Two searchers came looking for “free wine scams,” and if they find any successful ones we’d ask them to share. Just the other Wednesday I found myself squeezing the last drops of “Nighthawk Red” from a plastic udder freed from its cardboard “Bota Box” coffin, musingly wishing I could improve my cabernet grifting game.
- “What the fuck, it’s a library dogg,” is a puzzling query to pose to Bing, but wouldn’t be a terrible first line in a volume of Young Adult fiction.
- Along similar lines, “where do I get the cocaine, I need the cocaine,” seems unlikely to result in a meaningful response from the artificial intelligence of a search engine, but presumably the person asking was not of the clearest mind. If you find out, let us advise that hard drugs after thirty are rarely the best for your complexion or ever-mounting existential anxiety, and what’s the point of that Clinique moisturizing lotion if you’re just going to dry out your beautiful skin?
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