by Johnny AMERICA

Loy­al “How You Might’ve Found” read­ers: hel­lo and thank you for your pa­tience. April skat­ed by with­out our notic­ing. Do you know the feel­ing of a day dis­placed? Say you feel Sat­ur­day, your mar­row tells you so. You go about glad and with a skip in your step, to the Bergen Bagel or the park for kite-fly­ing, then late in the day you re­mem­ber you for­got and whoops, it’s Sun­day and you have to work to­mor­row but the laun­dry’s not done and there are er­rands to run. April was a month displaced.

• As usu­al, the porno­graph­ic topped our query-list. We won’t bore you with the teen slut search­es, but “asian man hump­ing ob­jects while peanut but­ter jel­ly time plays” and “her hairy pussy per­sian ‑car­pet ‑rug ‑car­pets ‑rugs ‑gay ‑bes­tial­i­ty” were fas­ci­nat­ing­ly specific.
• Our sym­pa­thies stretch across the In­ter­net like ten­drils for the per­son who asks Google, “how to get my kit­ten to sleep at night in­stead of day­time.” NyQuil works on chil­dren, if I re­call my youth ac­cu­rate­ly, and as a am­a­teur bi­ol­o­gist I’ll wa­ger the cure works on mam­mals of every dimension.
• We won­der what the brain be­hind the search “pics of in­sects found in hu­man shit” had in mind. Did they sus­pect colonies of spi­ders and rol­ly pol­lies hang­ing out in their rec­tums, catch­ing the brown bus for a hol­i­day to see the sea, or were they look­ing for snap­shots of the creepies that crawled in, post fac­to? The first op­tion’s charm­ing, the last a bit perverse.
• The search string “shag my sis­ter” was pleas­ing if bor­ing to see, like all things British.
• Both “world of toy­ota corol­las since 1982” and “dread and anx­i­ety hei­deg­ger blows” in­duced smiles, though “please re­move my non­sen­si­cal asian tat­too” is pos­si­bly the best phrase we’ve ever seen in the serv­er logs. In six words it im­plies a sto­ry of youth­ful trend-track­ing fol­lowed by adult redemption.

Filed under How You Might've Found Johnny America on June 5th, 2006

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