by Johnny AMERICA

March brought us vis­i­tors from around the globe hunt­ing for a med­ley of cu­ri­ous items and fas­ci­nat­ing data.

• “fucked jim­my fal­lon”: Every­body’s do­ing it, or so we hear, but sur­pris­ing­ly on­ly three in­di­vid­u­als hunt­ing for that phrase made their way to our site.
• A sec­ond S.N.L.-related query had us won­der­ing who’s the fool look­ing for web pages about “tina fey jim­my fal­lon love”? Do peo­ple re­al­ly think that brunette sar­cast-o-bot is ca­pa­ble of hu­man emotion?
• “hu­mor­ous boat names” is an in­ter­est­ing list to be seek­ing. Sad­ly we have none of those here at John­ny Amer­i­ca H.Q. We take our boats seriously.
• “how she took dog cock” is in­deed ques­tion for the ages, and we wish we could pro­vide an an­swer. Was it sweet and ten­der bea­gle love? Was it raunchy ac­tion with for­bid­den fruit that is the Lhasa Apso?
• J.A. Reg­u­lar Kyle Sund­by’s name sent twen­ty vis­i­tors our way thanks to a sto­ry of his grac­ing Mc­Sweeney’s. Con­grat­u­la­tions, Kyle, and please keep get­ting more fa­mous — we like get­ting your sec­ond-hand web traffic.
• The phrase “john tra­vol­ta gay please tell me if truth to that” re­minds J.A. Writer Jonathan Hol­ley of the time his moth­er re­fused to let him in on the fic­tion that is San­ta Claus. “Is he re­al, Mom, you can tell me,” he de­mand­ed every day for a week. She just bit her lip and asked, “why do you want to know?” Here is the truth: John Tra­vol­ta is the gayest man on earth. He is like­ly hav­ing ho­mo sex right this very sec­ond. Ig­nore the fact that he is mar­ried to a woman with beau­ti­ful smile, hard-nosed at­ti­tude, un­be­liev­able sex ap­peal, and gar­gan­tu­an rack: John Tra­vol­ta is gay. He just keeps the pret­ty wife around for pub­lic­i­ty pho­tos and for video­tap­ing all the sodomy.
• Two in­di­vid­u­als found our site by look­ing for “women who look like aunt jemima.”
• “break­fast menu and bur­ri­to and pro­gres­sive” got our minds rac­ing. A “progressive“breakfast bur­ri­tos? Think of the pos­si­bil­i­ties! Whether the searcher was look­ing for a quick com­mie break­fast or a free-range treat we’re not pos­i­tive, but ei­ther sounds dandy to us. As do “tiny girls who fuck bot­tles,” “cows dressed up like buf­faloes,” and “mild­ly amus­ing videos nunchucks.” An­i­mal im­per­son­ations are al­ways a gas and it’s in­vari­ably a wor­ry that a nunchuck video will be bit too hi­lar­i­ous, so we like to stick with the “mild­ly amus­ing” va­ri­ety too.

Filed under How You Might've Found Johnny America on April 9th, 2005

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