by Johnny AMERICA

• “john­ny cup­cake” is a search string that piques our cu­rios­i­ty, un­like “fun­ny cow say­ing,” which seems unique but lame.
• We won­der whether who­ev­er searched for “bugs bun­ny porn” is hunt­ing for an­i­mat­ed ac­tion be­cause they’re in­to bun­ny rab­bits, or be­cause their bag is sexy cartoons.
• Could who­ev­er searched for “how to make 3^d goth peo­ple” be work­ing on a Toy-Sto­ry style erot­ic epic com­bin­ing Warn­er Broth­ers char­ac­ters and the Dark Lord’s chil­dren? We can think of at least one fel­low who might be interested.
• We hope there’s not a true sto­ry be­hind “12 year old kill sis­ter over ham­burg­er.” No ham­burg­er is that good.
• “my sis­ter loves dog cock” is a nov­el in five words. You don’t need pages and pages of ex­po­si­tion; your mind fills in the back sto­ry au­to­mat­i­cal­ly — a Mid­west­ern trail­er park, an al­co­holic fa­ther, a frisky bea­gle, and an angst-rid­den lit­tle broth­er with a bad tat­too who knows too much for his own good.
• “pine sol drunk” does­n’t sound near­ly as ap­peal­ing as “girls that show it all.” They all show it all, af­ter two drinks and three com­ple­ments, un­less you give them Pine Sol. Pour a lass with de­cent taste a jig­ger of Pine Sol and she’ll throw it in your Com­mie eyes.

Filed under How You Might've Found Johnny America on March 1st, 2005

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