A Step-By-Step Guide to Dealing with the Death of a Dog


  1. Approach the door, holding the empty collar with the dog tags that match the address in your right hand.
  2. Ring the doorbell with your left hand.
  3. If a small child answers, ask to speak to their parents.
  4. Truthfully tell the owners that you found their dog on the road.
  5. Lie and say she had already been hit when you found her.
  6. Mutter something about how the city has leash laws for a reason, but then give a sympathetic shrug to take some sting from the implied blame.
  7. Lie further, and say when you encountered their dog, she was already dead.
  8. Build on that falsehood and assert, “it looked like it all happened, really, really quick.”
  9. Now, tell them the Big Truth. Explain how you’re a dog lover as well. And how you know – only too well – that terrible aching-emptiness of losing your dog.
  10. Tell a blended truth-untruth, and say that, “you’re very sorry for their loss.”
  11. Hand them the collar.
  12. Leave.
  13. Go to a pet store.
  14. Purchase a new collar.
  15. Now, go home and fill that aching-emptiness with your newfound friend.

Filed under Commentary on February 24th, 2017