Johnny America


A Step-By-Step Guide to Deal­ing with the Death of a Dog


  1. Ap­proach the door, hold­ing the emp­ty col­lar with the dog tags that match the ad­dress in your right hand.
  2. Ring the door­bell with your left hand.
  3. If a small child an­swers, ask to speak to their parents.
  4. Truth­ful­ly tell the own­ers that you found their dog on the road.
  5. Lie and say she had al­ready been hit when you found her.
  6. Mut­ter some­thing about how the city has leash laws for a rea­son, but then give a sym­pa­thet­ic shrug to take some sting from the im­plied blame.
  7. Lie fur­ther, and say when you en­coun­tered their dog, she was al­ready dead.
  8. Build on that false­hood and as­sert, “it looked like it all hap­pened, re­al­ly, re­al­ly quick.”
  9. Now, tell them the Big Truth. Ex­plain how you’re a dog lover as well. And how you know — on­ly too well — that ter­ri­ble aching-empti­ness of los­ing your dog.
  10. Tell a blend­ed truth-un­truth, and say that, “you’re very sor­ry for their loss.”
  11. Hand them the collar.
  12. Leave.
  13. Go to a pet store.
  14. Pur­chase a new collar.
  15. Now, go home and fill that aching-empti­ness with your new­found friend.

Filed under Commentary on February 24th, 2017

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