Johnny America


How You Might’ve Found John­ny Amer­i­ca #51: Feb­ru­ary, 2013


Feb­ru­ary brought a pre­pon­der­ance of search strings formed as ful­ly phrased
ques­tions our way. We hope this trend con­tin­ues, as these queries are far more
in­ter­est­ing to read than the usu­al de­mands for “goblin+incest+Roomba”

“Who makes school cafe­te­ria piz­za?” won­dered one Bing user who
did­n’t re­al­ize that cafe­te­ria piz­za is­n’t so much ‘made’ as it is har­vest­ed — scraped
un­der the light of the full moon from the slime-rich fields of Hobo­ken, New
Jer­sey, that is — be­fore be­ing freight­ed by trac­tor-trail­ers to whitewashed
dis­tri­b­u­tion sites nationwide.

One Google user won­dered, “What does a han­dle­bar mus­tache say about a
man?” We have strong opin­ions about this is­sue (and who does­n’t), but as
chil­dren and oth­er per­sons po­ten­tial­ly trau­ma­tized by men­tal im­ages of
gar­gan­tu­an sch­longs might read this web site, we pre­fer not to say.

“What if some crumbs got in my pe­nis hole?” seems a rather
es­o­teric con­cern un­less one’s plan­ning some sort kink­i­ness incorporating
Corn-Flaked chick­en. We’ve yet to ful­ly con­sid­er the me­chan­ics of this

We wish we could point who­ev­er won­dered, “Where can I find an
alien-look­ing show­er fix­ture?” in the right di­rec­tion, but it’s ambiguous
from their query whether they’re on the hunt for fix­tures that re­sem­ble aliens
or are seek­ing spouts of ex­trater­res­tri­al ori­gin. You’ve got­ta be pre­cise in
your search phras­ing if you wish for thought­ful and use­ful replies, people.

The most mem­o­rable search of the month, though not phrased in the form of a
ques­tion, was with­out doubt, “un­mar­ried women in open shirts please.”
Such a pre­cise and cu­ri­ous­ly po­lite query! This gen­tle soul does­n’t demand
naked “jugs” or jig­gling “tit­ties,” but in­stead kindly
re­quests the sub­tle tit­il­la­tion of an “open shirt.” The stipulation
that the ladies be un­wed sug­gests a sweet­ly anachro­nis­tic re­spect for the
in­sti­tu­tion of marriage.

Maybe this searcher is hop­ing for a glimpse of ‘side-boob’ of the single
la­dy va­ri­ety. Or a peek at the cleav­age of the non-com­mit­ted. Per­haps a flash
of brassiere from the un-betrothed.

What­ev­er this per­son and the oth­er in­ter­rog­a­tive in­ves­ti­ga­tors are looking
for, we hope they find it.

Filed under How You Might've Found Johnny America on March 8th, 2013

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