How You Might’ve Found Johnny America #51: February, 2013
February brought a preponderance of search strings formed as fully phrased
questions our way. We hope this trend continues, as these queries are far more
interesting to read than the usual demands for “goblin+incest+Roomba”
“Who makes school cafeteria pizza?” wondered one Bing user who
didn’t realize that cafeteria pizza isn’t so much ‘made’ as it is harvested — scraped
under the light of the full moon from the slime-rich fields of Hoboken, New
Jersey, that is — before being freighted by tractor-trailers to whitewashed
distribution sites nationwide.
One Google user wondered, “What does a handlebar mustache say about a
man?” We have strong opinions about this issue (and who doesn’t), but as
children and other persons potentially traumatized by mental images of
gargantuan schlongs might read this web site, we prefer not to say.
“What if some crumbs got in my penis hole?” seems a rather
esoteric concern unless one’s planning some sort kinkiness incorporating
Corn-Flaked chicken. We’ve yet to fully consider the mechanics of this
We wish we could point whoever wondered, “Where can I find an
alien-looking shower fixture?” in the right direction, but it’s ambiguous
from their query whether they’re on the hunt for fixtures that resemble aliens
or are seeking spouts of extraterrestrial origin. You’ve gotta be precise in
your search phrasing if you wish for thoughtful and useful replies, people.
The most memorable search of the month, though not phrased in the form of a
question, was without doubt, “unmarried women in open shirts please.”
Such a precise and curiously polite query! This gentle soul doesn’t demand
naked “jugs” or jiggling “titties,” but instead kindly
requests the subtle titillation of an “open shirt.” The stipulation
that the ladies be unwed suggests a sweetly anachronistic respect for the
institution of marriage.
Maybe this searcher is hoping for a glimpse of ‘side-boob’ of the single
lady variety. Or a peek at the cleavage of the non-committed. Perhaps a flash
of brassiere from the un-betrothed.
Whatever this person and the other interrogative investigators are looking
for, we hope they find it.
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