Johnny America


Just Ask James: Confused


Dear James,

Why do so many het­ero­sex­u­al women pre­tend they don’t need a man to be happy?

We all know they are just full of shit — we are cre­at­ed to mate — it’s an instinct.

Any­one who wants to ar­gue with that should just walk around in ANY pub­lic place on earth and open their eyes. A large per­cent­age of peo­ple are part of a cou­ple — every day — every­where you go.

So… why fight it?



Dear con­fused.

As far as hap­pi­ness goes, that is per­son­al pref­er­ence, are you ask­ing about “mat­ing” or hap­pi­ness? Here is what I’ve ob­served through my many years of ob­ser­va­tion and experience.

Men need women: they need them in the worst way. A man with­out a woman be­comes a com­plete­ly self-cen­tered self-de­struc­tive wreck. For ex­am­ple, be­fore I met my beau­ti­ful wife I some­how man­aged to lose every­thing that I had ever owned, my house, truck, job, (my life.)

By the end of it I found my­self sleep­ing on a friend’s floor and spend­ing what lit­tle mon­ey I had at the Amer­i­can le­gion in a drunk­en stu­por of pure mad­ness. A woman changed all that.

Women need men: It is odd to me how women be­have be­fore they find com­pan­ion­ship. Nine out of ten times there is an un­re­solved is­sue, some sort of pain most­ly in­flict­ed by one of our kind. This bad ex­pe­ri­ence leads to slight anger and that non­cha­lant “we don’t need men to make us hap­py!” mantra. Which all some­how leads to watch­ing Sex in the City, which leads to drink­ing co­pi­ous amounts of wine, which leads to eat­ing buck­ets of Häa­gen-Dazs which, if not care­ful, leads to be­ing a fat judg­men­tal bitch most­ly cov­ered in hairy moles blam­ing all men for society’s ills.

Now let’s take a trip to the imag­i­nary land of “com­mu­ni­ca­tion.” Know­ing now that most of this is a front of some sort, try and break through that stuc­co cov­ered ex­te­ri­or, climb over it, run around it, I don’t care but don’t stand there look­ing at it won­der­ing why it ex­ists. Ba­si­cal­ly, ask the tough ques­tions, take your time and per­haps let down your own guard a bit and soon you will find the sweet un­pro­tect­ed vul­ner­a­ble side. Once in­side the in­ner cir­cle take this op­por­tu­ni­ty to re­al­ly lay it too her, pull out all the stops, fuck her so she stays fucked, set the shores a lit­tle wider, plea­sure her like no one has ever plea­sured her be­fore, when you are done she shall take on bulls. Bats will live in that cave! Now, here is the im­por­tant part, af­ter a long snug­gle and mak­ing her fa­vorite break­fast-in-bed, ex­cuse your­self from the premis­es and promise to give her a call lat­er in the week.

Nev­er, no mat­ter what you do, talk to her again. Your work is done here young lad. Be­cause who the hell would ever want to set­tle down with one of those stuck-up self-cen­tered bitch­es? And in the fu­ture when some­one asks, “Why do all girls act like they didn’t need men?” you can an­swer non­cha­lant­ly, “be­cause of me!”

Filed under Just Ask James on October 28th, 2008

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