by Johnny AMERICA

• The num­ber of searchers who found us by search­ing for “tele­ki­net­ic pow­ers” ex­act­ly equaled the num­ber hunt­ing “re­bound ro­mance.” If on­ly we could play match­mak­er and pair these Googlers to­geth­er, help­ing the lat­ter find what they want and the for­mer for­get what they don’t need.
• We’re puz­zled why any­one would want to know “how long does it take to grow mold from burg­er king fries?” We *like* to think they’re teenage sci­ence geeks aim­ing to repli­cate the pow­er­ful pheromones that make the Burg­er King “King” a ver­i­ta­ble plas­tic Casano­va, but alas we sus­pect they’re bored em­ploy­ees won­der­ing how long they can keep fries in the warm­ing hopper.
• We’ll give two pieces of ad­vice to the per­son try­ing to learn, “how to write an al­lur­ing let­ter to a stranger.”
  1. Be­gin with, “you have a beau­ti­ful smile.”
  2. Nev­er, ever, use the word, “watch­ing” or any oth­er phras­ing that hints at your night-vi­sion googles, dig­i­tal pho­tographs, or maps of your love in­ter­est’s neighborhood.
• The best and on­ly “method to get back at some­one who stole your girl” is a switch­blade. If the la­dy’s not worth a lit­tle street car­nage, it’s time to move on.
• We don’t un­der­stand why Ya­hoo! matched this search query with John­ny Amer­i­ca, but still we were very pleased to find it in our serv­er logs: “i shake my ass i shake my ass i shake my ass electro.”

Filed under How You Might've Found Johnny America on June 24th, 2008

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