Johnny America


In­gre­di­ents In Many Brand Name Tooth­pastes that Could Be Trendy Ba­by Names


  1. Sor­bitol. Pret­ty name for a girl, or a boy. Sounds like a plan­et too, which gives the name a kind of ce­les­tial tran­quil­i­ty. Some­thing that would just seem to fit, one of those names that by the sound of it makes any oth­er at­tempt at a nam­ing useless.
  2. Fla­vor. Could be an even bet­ter nick­name, like when some­body is named John but friends and fam­i­ly call him Bill or Red. A pow­er name too, a name that’s meant for ass kick­ing, a name that’s meant to be used.
  3. Xan­than. The “Jonathan” of the twen­ty-first cen­tu­ry. No­tice the X at the be­gin­ning. Start­ing a name with a let­ter ap­pear­ing lat­er in the al­pha­bet is a sure­fire hit. It’s ec­cen­tric too, which is al­ways en vogue.
  4. Lau­ryl Sul­fate. The equiv­a­lent of Lau­ra Jane or Lo­rie Beth. This one is some­thing old fash­ioned and down-home. Rem­i­nis­cence of good days gone by seems to walk in hand with it.
  5. Ti­ta­ni­um Diox­ide. T.D. for short, it gives the kid some op­tions as to what he would like to be called: Ti­ta­ni­um or Diox­ide, both, or the afore­men­tioned acronym.
  6. Flu­o­ride. A name that evokes some kind of Span­ish flare, some­thing spicy and hot. Scan­dalous, in a way. Roll your tongue when you say it. F‑L-U-O-R-I-D‑E.
  7. Blue # 1. Pret­ty self-explanatory.
  8. Ben­zoic Acid. Snap­py, with some pep be­hind it, like Zach or Rod. Good name for pre­sumed trou­ble­mak­er, a pre­dict­ed misfit.
  9. Hy­drat­ed Sil­i­ca. The name just flows out of the mouth. Very flu­id, and an­oth­er one that would be a good fit for a boy or girl.
  10. Car­bomer 956. Well, maybe this one wouldn’t be so good af­ter all. I’d stick with some­thing sim­pler like Pa­tri­cia or Yel­low # 5.

Filed under Non-Fiction on January 25th, 2007

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Anonymous wrote:

I think I’ll go check my laun­dry de­ter­gent now for some more ideas!

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