Johnny America


My Tele­ki­net­ic Pow­ers: Day 8 Af­ter Their Mys­te­ri­ous Appearance


8:20 — Press Snooze but­ton with con­cen­trat­ed thought, for sec­ond time.

9:05 — Traf­fic, again. Imag­ine fling­ing ’88 Pre­lude whose flat tire is hold­ing things up in­to Cir­cuit City park­ing lot.

9:10 — Slide ra­dio di­al to Hot 103 Jamz, us­ing brainwaves.

10:14 — Does no one else in the meet­ing re­al­ize Han­ni­gan is re­tard­ed? Con­sid­er im­plod­ing his skull af­ter he pulls a third col­or of dry erase mark­er from his breast pock­et. De­fer ac­tion for the moment.

12:37 — Lunch with Kate from Mar­ket­ing. Im­press her by lev­i­tat­ing and emp­ty­ing pack­et of ar­ti­fi­cial sweet­en­er in­to her iced tea, as­sur­ing her of more im­pres­sive tricks to be shared in closed quar­ters. Feign non­cha­lance when she of­fers her phone number.

2:24 — Chuck­le af­ter De­part­ment of Home­land Se­cu­ri­ty call cen­ter rep­re­sen­ta­tive de­nies re­quest for appointment.

2:25 — Won­der mil­i­tary val­ue of eth­i­cal­ly neu­tral tele­ki­net­ic ex­pert to rouge na­tion-states and ter­ror cells.

2:26 — Re­search mer­ce­nar­ies and black mar­ket arms on Internet.

4:10 — Float quar­ters from pock­et, gen­tly de­posit­ing in­to so­da ma­chine. Shake can and at­tempt to con­trol fizz burst; feel dis­ap­point­ment at sight of splat­tered drops. Pledge to prac­tice mol­e­c­u­lar ma­nip­u­la­tion for an hour this evening.

5:07 — Force open me­chan­i­cal arm at park­ing garage gate with bare­ly a thought.

6:00 — Use pow­ers to ma­nip­u­late but­tons on re­mote con­trol, tun­ing in clas­sic Ma­ma’s Fam­i­ly episode on lo­cal fam­i­ly pro­gram­ming af­fil­i­ate. Ru­mi­nate over meta­phys­i­cal ram­i­fi­ca­tions of re­mote­ly con­trol­ling remote.

7:01 — Prac­tice mol­e­c­u­lar and atom­ic ma­nip­u­la­tion; suc­ceed in boil­ing wa­ter, ac­ci­den­tal­ly ex­plode a bot­tle of champagne.

11:10 — Flip light switch from bed. Weigh pros and cons of su­per-vil­lainy and su­per-hero­ism. En­vi­sion bold cos­tumes and se­cret lairs.

Filed under Fiction on June 19th, 2005

Care to Share?

Reader Comments

aaron j. marko wrote:

fuck­ing hi­lar­i­ous­ly bril­liant. you’ve per­fect­ly cap­tured the inani­ties of be­ing a work­ing stiff with su­per tele­ki­net­ic pow­ers. one of the best/most ran­dom things i’ve read in a while.

Jum wrote:

A’­greed! nev­er done read nuthun like it. I got­ta be­lieve he’s got for re­al powers..

Consider posting a note of comment on this item:


Previous Post


Next Post


Join our Irregular Mailing List

For very occasional ramblings, word about new print ephemera, and of course exciting investment opportunities.