Johnny America


Just Ask James: On the Love of Corpses


Dear Sir,

I write to you with an in­quiry of a very per­son­al and grave na­ture; I’ve heard of your del­i­cate and un­bi­ased treat­ment of such mat­ters. Frankly, I have some trep­i­da­tion of ask­ing one who may not em­pathize and demon­strate the prop­er sen­si­tiv­i­ty… Nev­er­the­less, my ques­tion is as fol­lows: If one de­sires to fuck corpses, rig­or­ous­ly, but not to date, is he a necrophil­i­ac? If one were to loll the idea about one’s head of­ten in his spare time, but nev­er ac­tu­al­ly par­take — does the “necrophil­ia,” per say, en­sue or pre­cede the act? (I have dis­crete­ly won­dered about a wake or two, hand in pock­et, but I doubt this is rel­e­vant). I’m sure the corol­lary to the ques­tion is ob­vi­ous, but to make no mis­take: if one is al­ready a necrophil­i­ac, should he not be a necrophil­i­ac to the fullest? If one al­ready wears the la­bel and owns the neu­ro­sis, for what rea­son should he hesitate?

I await your ver­dict with sober (fig­u­ra­tive­ly!) anticipation.

Ut­ter­ly yours,

Mr. Jared Ruland

Dear Jared,

First of all, I think you are full of shit, but in the rare case that you hap­pen to be ask­ing an hon­est ques­tion on an il­le­gal act, I will try and an­swer your in­quiry. For starters, if you want to have sex with dead peo­ple, all you have to do is get married.

Sec­ond­ly, the corpses you are think­ing about, are they male or fe­male? If they are men, then you might just be gay. To screw a gay man while not hav­ing to deal with all the has­sles and dra­ma as­so­ci­at­ed with gay men might just be worth it in you twist­ed lit­tle mind.

Are they old? Could sig­ni­fy a want of a mother/father fig­ure in your life.

Fi­nal­ly, when did they die? Are they fresh, like you’re a jog­ger run­ning in the woods and you come across a re­cent­ly de­ceased yet in­cred­i­bly hot, (still warm) Salma Hayek-es­que woman, and in your head you are think­ing two things, “This woman would nev­er have had sex with me in the re­al world,” and “Just how good are those CSI guys?” Now of course this is op­posed to the old rot­ting corpse which would in­volve a crow bar and a gal­lon of lubricant.

So you ask me, if think­ing about it makes you necrophil­i­ac? [sic] and to this I say, “it’s the thought that counts.”


Filed under Just Ask James on February 8th, 2005

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Reader Comments

Jum wrote:

Time is a pre­cious com­mod­i­ty and should not be wast­ed. If you are con­tem­plat­ing fuck­ing that dead chick in your base­ment, for god’s sake, get off your ass and do some­thing. Who cares what oth­er peo­ple will say, women who can­not re­sist you are at a sheer min­i­mum. Put some socks on her and tag her now. If you wait too long she will just fall apart on you…

Anonymous wrote:

omg! you weirdo

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