Johnny America


Let­ter to the Cho­rus of ‘FAME’ Years Af­ter I Sang Along to It With All My Heart


Dear­est FAME!:

I am sor­ry so much time has passed since we last spoke. I re­gret even more what I said to you at that en­counter. All I can say is that I was not my­self. Per­haps that was who I once was but, I can as­sure you, I am no longer.

As the years have gone by, ma­tu­ri­ty and wis­dom have em­braced my life and I have re­al­ized how ir­ra­tional my be­hav­ior was. Of course I now know that I am not gonna live for­ev­er. I was naïve to be­lieve that. It was that kind of think­ing that al­lowed me to ad­dress you so. I felt that no mat­ter what I said, I would al­ways have the time to re­pair the dam­age cre­at­ed. Now I on­ly hope I can be­gin to mend our re­la­tion­ship with what­ev­er time remains.

There were mo­ments in our cru­el last meet­ing that present­ly make no sense to me. That is how ir­ra­tional I was at the time. I was wild­ly reach­ing for any­thing to hurl at you that had the po­ten­tial to in­flict pain. I’m gonna learn how to fly? I am not even sure what my in­tent was at that point. The lo­gis­tics in­volved in own­ing and op­er­at­ing an air­craft must be stag­ger­ing and hard­ly a rea­son­able al­ter­na­tive to es­tab­lished air pas­sen­ger ser­vices. My words were sense­less and inexcusable.

As poor as my be­hav­ior was, it was true that I was still op­ti­mistic. In­deed, I did feel it com­ing to­geth­er. But my rav­en­ous ego would not al­low it. In­sen­si­tiv­i­ty to­wards any­thing that was not me com­mand­ed my thoughts —I was ac­tu­al­ly ex­cit­ed that peo­ple would see me and cry. Yet still I saw no wrong­do­ing on my part. The be­lief that I still was gonna make it to heav­en while threat­en­ing to light up the sky like a flame on­ly showed the depths of my delusions.

None of us are gonna live for­ev­er and there is no bet­ter time to atone. What I once de­mand­ed out of spite I now ask out of shame and the wish to be forgiven.

Ba­by, re­mem­ber my name.


Filed under Letters on December 6th, 2004

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