by Jay HOLLEY

Dear Di­ary,

What a won­der­ful day! To­day went down the street to the cof­fee shop to buy cig­a­rettes, and they’d in­stalled an in­ter­net com­put­er. I signed up for a hot­mail ac­count and surfed some pho­to sites.

Armin

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Dear Di­ary,

To­day is even bet­ter than yes­ter­day. I dis­cov­ered a thing called a search en­gine, which is for lo­cat­ing in­for­ma­tion on the world wide web, and I found a few lo­cal mes­sage boards run by oth­er peo­ple like me who are in­ter­est­ed in the Atkins di­et. Some of their mes­sages say it’s eas­i­er than you think — I might try next week but first I have to find some recipes be­cause just eat­ing ham­burg­er I know I’ll get bored.

Armin

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Dear Di­ary,

To­day I found some recipes with few or no carbs and one that looked re­al­ly tasty called for veni­son. When I was a lit­tle boy I went deer hunt­ing and I promised my­self I’d nev­er do that again so I’m go­ing to sub­sti­tute pork I think, but I re­al­ly want some­thing gamey so I might have to come up with an alternative.

Armin

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Dear Di­ary,

I found some “Rad­i­cal Atkins” mes­sage boards to­day and I must say their al­ter­na­tive to cat­tle looks tempt­ing. I put up a few posts ad­ver­tis­ing for young, lean boys who’re game for let­ting me eat their sa­vory parts — I sure hope some­one an­swers back be­cause I need to start my di­et and get rid of these love handles!

Im­pa­tient­ly,

Armin

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Dear Di­ary,

I got five re­spons­es to­day! Three pic­tures sent; the oth­er two just let­ters. Don’t these peo­ple read the ads care­ful­ly?! When I wrote, “Look­ing for 18 – 25 year old man who want to be slaugh­tered. NO FATTIES,” did­n’t they read the last line, the part about fat­ties!? Why would any­one want to eat them?

Armin

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Dear Di­ary,

I’ve fi­nal­ly found a nice com­put­er tech­ni­cian whose head would fit just per­fect­ly in my crock pot. I’ve been watch­ing Martha all week to try to get ideas, but I’m just not sure how to pre­pare my new friend Bernd. I wish I cooked at home more in­stead of go­ing out all the time. I’m re­al­ly look­ing for­ward to home­made meals but I’m not sure I’m ready for any­thing be­yond sandwiches.

Frus­trat­ed,

Armin

…

Dear Di­ary,

Things went well with Bernd the oth­er day. We had a nice chat and fried ate a lit­tle bit of him be­fore he had to go. The di­et’s go­ing great — I’ve lost ten pounds so far and it’s on­ly been a week! I was­n’t sure whether white or red would go best with Bernd, but I’ve found a fra­grant Shi­raz that com­ple­ments him per­fect­ly. Off to the mar­ket to get some more bar­be­cue sauce!

Armin

Filed under Fiction on December 6th, 2003

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